lundi 12 janvier 2009

Comment garder la ligne pendant les fêtes ?

Ça ne loupe jamais. Chaque année je me documente. Je prends tous les fascicules de la pharmacie, je compulse frénétiquement le Vidal, j’explore grâce à Google toutes les pages Internet existant sur le sujet.

Les scientifiques sont unanimes et ils n’ont, presque, qu’un seul conseil à la bouche : « lavez-vous les mains ». C’est pourquoi, dès les premières épidémies, je passe mon temps dans la salle de bains. Je laisse mes mains sous l’eau cinq minutes et je les savonne soigneusement avec un savon antiseptique. Puis je brosse mes ongles. Je finis par ôter toute trace d’humidité avec une serviette de toilette propre. Mes mains râpent et je me ruine en crèmes hydratantes mais je me sens plus tranquille ainsi.

Ce qui est le plus difficile c’est d’imposer cette propreté draconienne à mon entourage. Aloysius hurle dorénavant dès que j’essaye de l’entraîner dans la salle de bain. Côme se fâche quand je lui demande s’il s’est bien lavé les mains avant de passer à table. Et Hermance… Et bien Hermance rit lorsque je tente de savoir quels ont été ses derniers soins hygiéniques. Après quoi, il presse d’une main sur mon crâne pour que je m’agenouille devant lui…

J’ai beau ruser, faire laver les poignées de portes par ma bonne dix fois par jour, imposer le port de gants à l’extérieur, la gastro-entérite finit toujours par arriver chez nous. Et généralement elle s’en prend à moi.

Cette année je n’y ai pas coupé. Je me suis couchée un soir en sentant de curieux gargouillis dans mon estomac. Deux heures plus tard j’étais assise sur les toilettes et je vomissais dans le poubelle…
Côme, bien sûr, n’a pas manqué de surgir. Ebouriffé, dans son pyjama rayé, il n’avait pas vu qu’il y avait de la lumière sous la porte et, dans mon état j’avais oublié de tirer le verrou. D’aucuns sans doute auraient trouvé cela drôle. Pas Côme. Il a refusé de m’adresser la parole pendant deux jours après m’avoir vue dans cet état.

Qu’importe. Je suis la seule de mon entourage, qui, le 1er janvier, pouvait se targuer d’être plus mince que le 24 décembre. Ma mère me couvait d’un œil jaloux et mon beau-père me pinçait les fesses.

Quant à Hermance, il a fini par m’entraîner dans le dressing… Il voulait vérifier que je n’avais pas maigri de partout…

Image : Monica Bellucci

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